Donald Trump has today (1 April 2017) announced his intention to become the first head of state to swim the English Channel. The attempt will take place later this year.
In a statement released via Twitter, Trump says, “I love the English Channel. It’s perfect for keeping unwanted people out. I’m almost tempted to dig my own channel on the Mexican border.”
At 70 years old, Trump would be one of the oldest people to complete a crossing. However, he doesn’t see this as an issue. “You’re only as old as the women you grope,” he replied when questioned on this subject. “Besides, I’m the fittest, healthiest, greatest ever president of the United States.”
Was he worried about jellyfish?
“Jellyfish are great. I love them. You can squeeze their squidgy bits or tickle their tentacles. They don’t mind. They’re really dumb.”
What about the saying among experienced swimmers that swimming the Channel is 20 percent physical and 80 percent mental?
“I’m smart, really smart, so this mental stuff won’t be a problem. And I’m going to be fast. So fast. I’ll probably set a world record.”
In the unlikely event Trump does complete his Channel, his swim will unfortunately not be ratified as he has decided he’d rather be accompanied by a super yacht than by “one of those over-rated fishing boats that other swimmers use.”
His crew will consist of Nigel Farage, as apparently he’s partial to a bit of midnight skinny dipping, and Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, as “she looks hot in a bikini.”
At this point, the president refused to take any more questions, accusing us of questioning his integrity. His final statement on the subject was: “There are a lot of media organisations out there pedalling fake news.”